Homophobia Always Hurts - and Sometimes It Kills

 Brent Astle:  January 28, 2013 to September 30, 2010   (Love you, this life, next life, somewhere, always. )

In "1991 The First Presidency of the LDS Church stated on NOV-14:

Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife appropriately expressed within the bonds of marriage. Any other sexual contact, including fornication, adultery, and homosexuality and lesbian [sic] behavior, is sinful. Those who persist in such practices or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline...." http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_lds2.htm

Odd as this sounds in 2013 to secular ears, these teachings matter.

I had a friend who was exposed to these teachings early and often.  He was born in 1971 and sadly, born into a devout Mormon family. He was taught that gay is a choice and that gayness is an abomination to "God." He told me he knew at the age of five that he was different. He realized what the difference was when he hit puberty.

He was gay.

He attempted suicide when he was sixteen. He killed himself on September 30, 2010.

He had been well indoctrinated with the teachings of the Mormon church. For example, just previous to his suicide, his sister told him it was only OK to be gay if he never had sex!  (She didn't plan on giving up sex herself, however.)  After his suicide, Brent's  family refused to attend a memorial breakfast if we were going to mention that he had been gay. His brother -in-law said "we will only attend tomorrow's memorial if is going to be a celebration of Brent as a special person, not a gay pride thing.  You cannot mention that he was gay."

They didn't attend. Their loss - Brent was special because he was gay - not in spite of it. 

My darling fag (I was his fag hag) is dead. The teachings he internalized at his mother's knee destroyed his sense of self worth and helped kill him. That's why religious teachings that preach that "gay is a choice and an abomination" are child abuse. Children born into devout families that espouse homophobic teachings are sometimes born gay - and grow up believing that they are worthless because of those teachings.

Not everyone believes that being gay is a choice and a sin.  There's a whole world out there that is accepting and loving.   

If you need resources or help, please check out the following:

http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index.html
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/
http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/
http://www.qmunity.ca/
https://www.facebook.com/tru.pride.58
http://gaykamloops.ca/
http://littlesisters.ca/blog/

Survive and thrive!

The Mormons at my Door

Two children from California(children to my eyes at least) rang my doorbell the other day. They asked if I were religous and what I knew about the Church of Latter Day Saints. I told them I was a spiritual person. I also told them that I had a very large animus against the Mormons . They gaped at me in astonishment as I stated that I would NEVER join a horrible homophobic religion that subjects gay children to child abuse. They protested, prettily, that the Mormon Church was not in the least homophobic! I mentioned that my closest friend, who knew at a very early age that he was gay, was damaged by the teachings of the church. He was told in sermons and church sponsored movie nights that being gay was wrong and sick and evil - and he had in fact, attempted to committ suicide as he believed he was evil after years of church attendance. They said they had NEVER heard of such doctrines . The two "elders" added that it was perfectly acceptable to be gay and a Mormon. Warming to their theme, they said "In fact, gay people will be heterosexual in the after life - if they behaved well in this life. But the Mormon church is against gay marriage." I firmly stated that their's was a disingenuous argument at best . I added that, since they had their feet on Canadian soil - and gay marriage had been legal for some time in Canada - they were pissing into the wind on the marriage argument. Their eyes widened - possibly at the swear word or perhaps at the legal facts of life. When I suggested that they should acquire critical thinking skills and a knowledge of history (especially their own history) , by attending university, they fled . Damn! They left before I mentioned the hetero normative paradigm is an instrument of oppression!

Letter to my fag's family

Hi there:

You don’t know me – I’m your son’s fag hag. Oh – I forgot – you don’t know anything about being gay – or about gay culture. Well, you know Leslie is gay: he told you and the rest of his family ten years ago. Therefore, he is a fag – and since I’m a natal woman, I’m a hag. I love him and he loves me: together we’re fag and fag hag. Because I love him enormously, I have something I need to tell you. I want to tell you so badly I’m having my message published. It is going to shock and affront you but it may change your life.

Your religion is tantamount to child abuse. How do I arrive at that conclusion? Please read on and you will find my logic is inescapable.

Leslie is gay: you have known he is gay since he came out ten years ago. I know you think Leslie is an exceptional person. So do I: I love him because he is spiritual; ethical; compassionate; funny; loving; intelligent; street smart; and highly intuitive. Moreover, he possesses a wicked and bizarre sense of humour; has excellent healing skills; and is wildly attractive. But Leslie is wonderful because he is gay: not in spite of the fact that he is gay. (In many cultures, being gay was considered a spiritual gift. Refer to a copy of Cassell’s Encyclopedia of Queer Myth, Symbol, and Spirit to find information on those cultures.)

But your fundamentalist religion has no truck with the notion that being gay is a spiritual gift. On the contrary, your religion oppresses gay people. Church doctrine teaches that being gay is a sickness! As a very young teen, Leslie watched a church sponsored and created video that stated being gay was an evil disease and a sin against God! The video also stated that shock therapy was the only way to “cure” gayness! Can you imagine how your son felt hearing that what he knew himself to be from a very early age was sick and evil? How could you permit your child to listen to that doctrine? After all, it is equivalent to preaching to people of colour that their innate skin quality is inferior, wrong, sick, and evil. Gay people are born lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered: it isn’t a choice. No-one converts to gayness! (Can you tell me why would anyone choose to be vilified, hated, and possibly killed?) And please don’t justify exposing Leslie to these hate –filled doctrines by stating that you did not know years ago that Leslie was gay. You ignored the fact that up to 10 % of the population is gay and you ignored any signs of gayness he showed as a child. In fact, by supporting your church doctrines, you harmed his mental health and emotional well being. Isn’t that a good definition of child abuse?


No wonder he tried to commit suicide at the age of sixteen. LGBTQ youth are up to seven times more likely to attempt suicide than their hetero peers. ( Suicide Prevention Resource Center, Suicide Risk and Prevention for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth at http://www.sprc.org/. ) Youth whose family is not accepting of their sexual orientation are nine times more likely to commit suicide. (http://www.365gay.com/opinion/robbins-in-combating-gay-youth-suicide-acceptance-is-key/ ) You tell Leslie that you believe in the church. By accepting church doctrine to this day, you acquiesce in his oppression. Furthermore, by sending Leslie to church as a child, you participated in child abuse.

You cannot change the past. But couldn’t you change the present and the future? I know you love your Leslie: loving him, and knowing he is gayer than a picnic basket, how can you continue to support your church?

If you cannot leave your church, I want you to pressure the church to amend its policies on gay men and lesbians. Please don’t tell me that the church’s policies are unchangeable: the religion now accepts people of colour as members whereas it didn’t fifty years ago. Stop tithing ten per cent of your income to your church until they change their policies on the LGBT community. You are funding your son’s oppression with your donations!

If you want to support your son by leaving your present church, I recommend the Unitarian Universalist for its inclusion of and acceptance of diverse peoples. Their website is found at http://www.cuc.ca/ . You’ll find your local congregation at this site: the folks there will be friendly, funny, warm, and accepting.

If you want to support Leslie by learning about gay life and culture, please check out PFLAG: you’ll find very supportive and knowledgeable folks at their meetings. Just go to the “Parents and Families of Gays” website (http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp) and you will find valuable information and the date and time of your local meeting. Read some books on being gay (not published by your church.) PFLAG has a list of books worth reading: click on Links to Rainbow Communities and then on Information, Studies, and Reference material. Get to know some lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered people on an individual basis: check out your local LGBT association for some breakfasts and coffee houses where you can meet us.

You’ll be well rewarded for your effort: my life is much richer since Leslie and I have been friends. Now that you’ve read my letter, you have a choice to make. You can make an effort to learn about gay culture and being gay. You may, of course, continue to let church doctrine rule your life. But, if you don’t care to make an effort to be truly supportive and understanding of your remarkably gifted son, you will lose him.